Failure

My friend, Kevin, just posted a blog post about failure today and it made me stop to think about failure.

I don’t know how familiar you are all about the Enneagram, but I have done some digging into it at my girlfriends suggestion. It’s a personality test. I know some people think personality tests are voodoo black magic that Christians should avoid, and honestly some of them are a little weird, but this one seems to be different, if you aren’t a fan of them, that is okay, I wasn’t either. But this one might be worth a look into the very least.

… Either way, I have found that I am a type 3. I understand, lots of you don’t know what that means. To sum it up in a extremely oversimplified way, It means that I like people to see me as successful and not as a failure. What drives me is not only actually being successful, but that people see me that way. Reputation. This doesn’t always mean making seven figures or driving the nicest car. It can. But for me it’s different. Success is a subjective standard anyways and it really matters what your friends and peers think that really defines success to each person.

For me, I grew up in a Christian home, attended all the church meetings, all the youth conferences, Bible Camp, Youth group. You name it I was there, attending and helping run… Before I go any further, let me just be clear, This was a HUGE blessing in my life. I in no way regret the way I was raised or the friends I grew up with, it has been a privilege’s to be raised in this setting, 10/10 I highly recommend it … But what this atmosphere did, was cause me to see success as being a “Good Christian Boy”.

I know what you “Good Christians” are thinking, and you aren’t necessarily wrong, “Aren’t those things what success should look like for Christians?” Yes of course, if you are doing all the good things for all the right reasons, then Yes, I can confidently say you are a successful person.

Here entails where the problem is. I am REALLY good at acting, it’s a 3 thing. No, don’t put me In front of a camera, because I suck at that kind of acting. But throw me into a church setting and I can look like a super star and do my best to convince the world and congregation that I am doing fine. Some of the lowest points in my life I was still running the youth group and going to conferences. Outwardly, I was “Crushing It” but on the inside I was a cesspool of a human being.

Stubborn, Lustful, Selfish, Prideful, Egotistical. These are just a few words I would have used to describe myself and if I am being Honest, some of them still do describe me to some extent. Not all of them, thankfully. But let me just say it clearly right now, I am still a failure. I have no good in me, apart from Jesus. The verse about Paul being the worst sinner, well I’ll give him the number one spot, but let me jump at the opportunity to take the second worst.

This last year has been a roller coaster for everyone. I am no exception, I have learned so much. It’s not been the easiest and in comparison it hasn’t been the hardest, but I think when it comes to character building it has been amazing ride for myself. Painful, but amazing. I have seen so many changes in myself, go look at my last post to see some of the upswing of my life this last year.

Not to mention I have a wonderful girlfriend who always pushes me to be more like Jesus and to not get complacent in my spiritual life. She is growing like a weed, in Jesus, and pulling me along for the ride. I am super thankful that God has put her in my life. <3

So that is a bit of context for this next bit. I am setting a goal. This goa is kind hard to track on my own, so I am going to need your help. Over the next few month I am going to focus on a few of my many character flaws and work on them.

So for the rest of 2020, this wonderful train wreck of a year, I am going to work on being a more compassionate, less stubborn and selfish person. Below are the active steps I am going to take to achieve this goal.

  1. Be more open to change, both from God and those around me. Be willing to listen when people suggest things they seem in me that might need to be changed. Take the time to listen to God, through reading His word and prayer, and not just by doing my “Regularly Schedule Programming”, I mean really taking time to hear what God has to say to me.
  2. Be more compassionate, whether that means talking with people I am not a fan of or just taking the time to think and pray for those around me. I need to find ways to serve the people God has put into my life.
  3. Finding ways to give of myself more. I am so blessed to have finical stability I should be giving more of it away. I need to give of myself more, to help those in my Church family or in my blood family. I need to find more ways to put them first.

I will be back soon with an update. You can hold me to that.

Nolan Out!

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